I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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