The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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