Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
