The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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