He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize