i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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