Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
