all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
