Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
