I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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