I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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