I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
