My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
