Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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