I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
