i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
