I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
