im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize