ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
