I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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