I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
