peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
