Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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