if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
