you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
