oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
