Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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