After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize