Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize