he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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