he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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