I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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