My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
