so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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