here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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