3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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