I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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