I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
