you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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