What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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