I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
