I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
