this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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