I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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