So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
