I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
