"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
