I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
