the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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