She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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