bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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