i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
