My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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