It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
