He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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