Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
