I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
